BaD ADViCe

This is a big FuCkinG deal for me to be featured in Bizarre Magazine. Please enjoy this crude interview xoxoKk

WORDS: Chris Nieratko

“If I was a man, I’d probably be locked up in Rikers Island jail for rape,” our saucepot confesses
Talking to Kimberly Kane is like talking to a guy, and it has nothing to do with her vagina dangling low like a penis. She’s very frank, with no bullshit. And she likes to rape women like most every man does. Err, I mean… uh… retraction!

So yeah, her fuck film Naked And Famous is nominated for eight AVN awards; she’s directing for Vivid’s newest division, Vivid Alt; she admits, “You don’t have to be a fucking rocket scientist to do porno”; and she’s Vivid starlet Savanna Samson’s favourite woman on Earth to fuck. It’s as if Kimberly Kane is too good to be true. That’s why I suggest we kidnap her and cut her open and expose her for the robot she truly is! Fucking robots. Always trying to trick us.

–Your website’s initials (Klubkimberly kane.com) are KKK. Are you down for the KKK?

You know what? I’m changing that. I’m a joker and I thought it was funny, but I’ve been getting a lot of shit for it for a few years now. I’m changing it to Kanearmy.com. Like the Kiss Army, you know?

No, I get it. I just think the KKK one is funnier.

I’m going to keep that one and it’ll be a link to Kanearmy.com. I’m also starting a new site because I’m really into dudes jerking off. I’d watch guys jerk off all day long. I’ve been shooting it recently for a company, stills and videos, and I’m really into it. I already bought the domain. It’s called Ilovestraightboys.com and I’m going to get all these straight dudes to jerk off for me. I’m going to be a millionaire.

That’s genius.

Yeah, it’ll attract a gay audience. Boys are the new girls. They’re cheaper, and guys like them just as much. You’ll hear my voice, you’ll hear me talking to them, so it’s not gay. They’re jerking off for me. Yeah, gay guys will totally dig it, because it’ll be the hottest straight guys in porn, but chicks can dig on it too.
I’ve asked a lot of girls and they like that stuff; I’m not the only one.

–How did you come up with such a smart idea? Aren’t you a high-school dropout?

Yes, I am. I know. I don’t know where I’m coming up with this shit.

That’s great. Morons taking over the world.

Yeah. You don’t have to be a fucking rocket scientist to do porno. You gotta know a bit, but you don’t have to know a lot.

I beg to differ. The girls that do porn all seem very intelligent.

Yeah, and the guys too. All rocket scientists.

–In the November 2006 Penthouse, Savanna Samson says you’re her favourite female to hump. How does that make you feel?

I heard that a couple of days ago and it’s really cool of her to say that. It makes me feel all wet. I hope I get to work with her more. I only worked with her once. I was a fan of hers from Rocco Siffredi. I have sex with Rocco Siffredi every night - I pretty much have every movie he’s ever made. At one point I watched his stuff so much I started having nightmares. Rocco Siffredi nightmares; like a skullfuck orgy, mass-murder madness. I liked her from his movies. When people work with a Vivid chick they’re all tender and comforting, they don’t go all out. I watched her in a few scenes, so I knew what she liked. She likes to get roughed up. So I treated her like Rocco Siffredi did and pulled her hair, and made her do some dirty shit. And I guess it worked.

I’ve been trying to arrange it so my wife has sex with Savanna for years, but it hasn’t worked yet.

Just get a porno with Savanna and watch it and pretend.

–Maybe I can dress my wife up as you. That’s it. Hear me out. Next time you come to New York, you meet Savanna at a hotel and then you say you have to go to the bathroom and you shut the lights off and then we’ll pull the old switcharoo and stick my wife in there in your place. That doesn’t sound like rape at all, does it?

Cool. No, no. Seems totally legal. Sounds like it would be a big surprise for her. “Well, honey. I thought you would like it.”

And this duct tape on your mouth is totally necessary for you to enjoy yourself.

Yeah, it’s all in good fun. Now shut up and have fun!

–At times you have fuzzy britches in an age of bald beavers. Why?

Because I have what people call an ‘outty vagina’, not an inny. When I go bald it looks like twigs and berries. I don’t like that. I keep hair down there and it makes me look more feminine. I don’t have a big unit or anything, but my vagina does protrude. So I keep hair down there and it makes it all anatomically correct.

–So it’s like your comb-over?

Exactly. It’s just like a comb-over. My furburger. And it’s more feminine. And I really maintain it. I use conditioner on my pubic hair to keep it nice and soft. It’s not like I have a bush. I keep it short.

–Do you ever get in fights?

I got in one. I don’t mind fistfights because sometimes it feels really good to get into a fight. It lets out a lot of aggression. I got in this fight with a chick who was on speed and she attacked me at, like, nine in the morning. I was in the bathroom and she was like, “Are you talking shit, bitch?” She took a swing at me and missed. I pushed her out of the bathroom into the hallway and we scuffled and fought and her shoes flew off. This was at my agent at the time’s house. He comes out running, grabs her and throws her into his room. That was it. A couple of hours later we were smoking a joint together.

–It didn’t lead to sex like in the movies?

Yeah, it actually did. We got so heated we just had to go at it and lick each other’s pussies. It was that intense.

–When you win AVN awards do you ever thank God or your mom?

You know who I thanked last year when I won for Best Oral Sex Scene? It was for a movie called Squealer. I thanked Belladonna. I said, “I’d like to thank Belladonna as without her I wouldn’t be the cocksucker I am today.” It was awesome. She was cracking up.

–What helpful tips has she given you about sucking cock?

Well, I watched a bunch of her movies so I knew what to do.

That’s good. Some people have a mouth and don’t know what to do with it.

Yeah, I just talk a lot of shit with it and stick things in it.

–What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had in you? In your mouth or elsewhere?

I was having phone sex this morning. I have a friend of mine in New York and he’s really twisted and I was watching bestiality porn and telling him about it. He’s a phone-sex addict. He literally spent over $10,000 on internet porn from the age of 18 to 26. He’s a real professional at this stuff. He’s like, “You know what I like? I like when girls put dildos in their mouths and talk to me and pretend it’s
my dick.” That was odd, but I did it. It was pretty cool.

–Could he even understand anything you were saying?

I’d take it out and say stuff and then do it again and choke on it. He liked it. For someone who’s not even in porno, he’s twisted. He’s teaching me shit.

–You never stuck Barbie dolls in your ass?

You know what I did when I was a kid? You know those big, thick candy canes? I stuck one of those inside of me. The wrapper was off…

Gross. It’s all sticky.

Yeah. I didn’t know what I was doing. It was before I even lost my virginity.

–Technically you actually lost your virginity to a candy cane?

Yeah, I guess I did. It’s awesome.

–Thus the etymology of your porn name. Is Christmas your favourite holiday?

I really love Halloween and Christmas. I love Christmas lights. I could hang Christmas lights in my house in June and I would get that feeling you get around Christmas time. It’s awesome.

–What are you going to be for Halloween?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be Pamela Peaks. I’ll put two big balloons in my chest area and paint my face all fake tan and I’ll put a big Pamela Anderson wig on and lipstick, and I’ll go around saying I’m the number-one escort in Las Vegas.

–Did you find it difficult at any point not having the typical pornstar body of big tits and vacant eyes?

You know what? No, it actually made it better. I’m just my own personality, and people like it. They like the fact I don’t have big stupid fake tits. They like that I’m not a stupid fucking porn chick. It’s working for me.

–Would you ever get big fake tits?

No.

–How about one big fake tit?

In the middle. Only in the middle, so that I could have three tits. That would be cool.

It’d be better if it were on your back, though.

–Like a humpback?

I think that’s the reason men don’t like to slow dance. That would entice a man to want to slow dance more.

That’s a good idea, man. I’m gonna have three tits for Halloween and I’m going to put it on my back.

–You sell your used panties for $50 on your site - do they sell well?

No. I’ve never sold a pair of panties yet.

–You also sell socks on there that have been worn for a year. Is that one-year straight?

No. I don’t buy a lot of new undergarments; I steal my underwear from girlfriends. If they loan me underwear, I’m keeping it. I like to wear other girls’ underwear for some reason. So I don’t buy a lot of socks or underwear, but those particular tube socks are now two years old and I just wear them until the feet fall out. That’s what guys like. They don’t want new, fresh socks. They want old, dirty, nasty socks you’ve been wearing for years.

–You made a film called My Ass Is Haunted and I was just curious… is that true?

No. My ass wasn’t haunted in that movie. I was the nurse who was unhaunting the other girl’s ass. Her ass was haunted and I had to fuck it out. I think I cured her. Belladonna came up with that title when she was pregnant and she had gas. She would always say her ass was haunted and that became the name of the movie. She’s brilliant.

There’s a quote on your site that states, “If I had a cock I’d be in jail.”

It means I’m kind of a rapist and I’d probably be in Rikers right now if I was a man. If I had the strength of a man, no woman would be able to resist me. And I’d have a big dick too. Or maybe I’d have a small one and I’d be mad.

For more of Kimberly Kane pay a visit to Kanearmy.com